Your Own Personal Fear

You look at me and see everything you hate, everything you fear.
I am the one that you can't seem to let go.
I haunt you in your dreams, you see me when I am not there.
You won't admit it, but I am everything you fear.
You only hate me because I can see the true you.
Despise the fact that I can see right through you.
You hold on tight because I am the only thing that feels safe.
But, that fear will one day become your nightmare because you took to long to realize.
Now, what you feared is gone.

Devil of the Night

I am devil of the night.
The lady in red.
I am all your fears, rolled up into one.
You wanna run and hide, but instead you are holding my hand while we dance through the streets.
I am nothing but a nightmare haunting you through the day.
You can't hide from me.
You need me.
I am your addiction, your disease.
I am the devil of the night, who you see in your dreams.
Nothing you seem to do gets you away from me.
I am everything you are not, I am all of your fears.
Are you ready for the lady in red?
Hold on tight, you are in for a ride.
I am the devil of the night.

Mask

You think I am blind, stupid, and ignorant.
You don't realize I see it all.
All you do is push, push, push.
Do you not see who is behind the mask?
You think that you know me.
You have no idea.
Once I take this mask off, you may not like who you see.
I am not blind to your devish ways.
I am not stupid, even though you think I am.
My ignorance only stems from loving you.
You keep on pushing, one day you will push me over the edge.
When I take off this mask, you will see the true me.
You may see nothing more then an empty shell.
Nothing more then a broken heart.
But, don't you worry because there is more then that here.
You will be surprised to see me for me.
My powers are like no other, my heart is made of steel.
I have held back for far to long, let you have the light all this time.
Now, I am stepping up on stage and proving you wrong.
I am not scared.
I am going to take off this mask.
I am no longer blind, stupid, or ignorant to your devilish ways.

Been a while.

And I can't seem to write a darn thing.

Letter (Work In Progress)

I wrote you a letter today.
It had all my hopes and dreams in it.
I am not sure why I wrote you the letter.
You may never see it.
I wrote you a letter about everything you have wanted to know.
It was filled with pain, anger, love, and compassion.
I wrote this letter so you can see the true me.
In hopes that one day, you will read it and know how I feel.
But, for now, the letter will remain a mystery. 

Crazy

When things seem to go badly, I wish you were beside me.
I feel as though I am going crazy in this head of mine.
The thoughts keeping coming.
The mind keeps racing.
Not sure what to think anymore.
Not even sure how to feel.
If it is not one thing, it is another.
I want to run from my own brain.
I want to hide from the world until I can figure everything out.

Showing your true colors

Well, you are showing your true colors now.
You are letting people know how big of a whore you really are.
You are looking for whatever attention you can get.
But, in the end it will all just be negative.
You have shown your family the truth.
Who will continue to stand by you?
Your whore'ish ways have become who you are.

Reality Check

Why do I always need a reality check?
I guess I got one today.
My good mood has gone down the drain.
My heart has been smashed once again to my own dismay.
I know that things aren't right.
People are just playing games.
Today I got my reality check.

To you both. *language*

I wanted to write you both to let you know, that life is so much better without you.
You have become my idea of what not to be.
The hate that I have for you stems from the heart.
Both of you look like sick little freaks.
Who would want to do what you are doing?
When the day comes where we are face to face, watch yourself because I may just let out the truth.
You both hide what everyone can see.
Just wait till it ALL COMES OUT!
Don't think I don't know.
Don't think I am naive.
The day WILL COME where I confront you both.
Are you ready for that?
Are you prepared?
My blood will boil.
My hands will burn.
But, what I have to say WILL BE HEARD!
You thought I would be OK with it all.
You thought I was stupid for far to long.
Well, my little fake fucks the time has come to face the facts.
I am not who you thought I was. 
I have become something better.
Something more then what you will ever be.
You make me sick and one day when that face to face comes....
You will regret everything you have done.
Till then, I will let you stew in your own misery. 

One day...

One day you will learn.
One day you will see what you have done.
Until that day go ahead and play your little games.
You have no idea what is to come.
I sit here and wait.
Until the day you have to face your faith.
I have come to realize you are not the one I hate.
I hate myself for allowing you to do what you have done to me.
Allowing myself to fall.
But, one day karma will hit you for everything you have done.
You have avoided her far to long.
I shall sit here and wait for that day to come.
And when it does I hope it blows your mind.
You have become something I hate.
Someone I hate.
One day...hasn't come soon enough.

Whoa.

I sit back now and reflect on the things that have just happened.
I can't believe the weekend is at an end.
Whoa, a lot has happened.
My life has changed.
For the better or worse? 
I do not know.
So many things have happened in a short time.
Trying to figure out who is who.
Whoa, what a weekend.
Many things have flipped and flopped.
I had to push myself and open up.
Just so much has become a wirl wind of crazy.
Hopefully, soon enough the whoa will be gone and life will be back on track.

Long road ahead....

There is a long road ahead of me.
Not sure which way to go.
So many different places to go, so many different directions to turn.
I know that some may be dangerous.
I know that I might get scared.
I will find my way.
There is a long road ahead of me and I am not turning back.

LONG Time Friend

You have been a friend for so many years.
You piss me off like no other.
But, that is because you only tell me the truth.
I hate when you are right.
But, I hate it even more that I am wrong.
You will fight for me like no other.
Protect me when I am down.
I know you see me being stupid.
Standing around lost in confusion.
But, I wanted to let you know that everything you say I hear.
That I take everything you tell me to heart.
You have made me become a stronger person.
Made me stand up for myself when I never thought I could.
I think because we have known each other so long that I don't get pissed off for to long.
(LOL)
You are one of my best friends, you know.
And I don't think I could ask for anyone better by my side.
So, to you, my friend, thank you for always being there.
Thank you for always listening and always caring.
I will love you forever for everything you have done and said.
You are the best friend a girl could have.

To You

We may not have known each other for many years.
But, I want you to know you are one of my dearest friends.
You have helped me see a light I never saw before.
You have pushed me to become something more.
You have stood up for me when I could no longer stand.
Helped me fight of demons I could not fight alone.
And for all of this I thank you. 
You have been truly a great friend.
Even though we both keep changing.
(And adding tattoos to the collection)
We still remain friends.
We still understand one another.
You have made me laugh.
You have made me cry.
There aren't many people who can make me smile when I am down.
But, you...you can.
You do beautiful things.
I can tell you have passion.
There are so many adventures you want to take.
You tell me about the life you want to have.
I smile because I know you will make it all come true.
You are a great, beautiful person.
Please don't think any different.
So, what I want to say is thank you for being one of my dearest friends.

My Past....

My past is full of lies, hate, cruel intentions.
Yes, I will admit I am not the best person.
But, I have changed my ways.
Seen the light, some would say.
I am not the same person a lot of people use to know.
I have had to grow, blossom.
Some may think that I am still the same.
But, the outside hasn't changed.
The inside has.
My heart has grown bigger.
My view on the world wider.
I can't believe the things I have seen and done.
The places I have been.
The people I have known.
My past is no secret. 
Well, maybe some of it.
But, it makes me who I am today.
I can no longer be that weak little girl.
Can no longer be that child left behind.
I have to stand up and say my peace.
My past is my past.
It shall forever remain that.
For today, I look towards the future with a smiling face.

Memories

The memories we created were great.
But, now it is time to let them go.
What we had is now gone.
Broken into a million pieces.
We are lucky to have a friendship.
There is almost nothing left.
We have gone around in circles.
Nothing I seem to do is right.
Nothing you seem to do is right.
Maybe the time has come to back away.
I just have to remember to NOT look into your eyes.
Because then all those memories with flood back into me.
Causing me pain.
Those memories need to be pushed away.
So, many things left unsaid but in the end there is nothing to say.

Just my friend.

So, I have come to realize something....

Even if you love someone with all your heart, sometimes you have to let them go.
So, this is me letting you go. I will love you as a friend. Nothing more. I have to break that tie.
Break the bond that we once had.
I have made up my mind, now no turning back.
My heart is broken and torn to shreds.
You talk to me like I am someone else.
My love for you can't be more then friends.
I will be ok. 
When you realize that my heart is no longer with you, you will see me for who I really am.
You will see.  
Just wait. 
You just lost a great thing.
Maybe when I am gone you will realize it.
So, for now...you are just my friend.
 

Got it.

I haven't always been the person you wanted me to be.
Done some things that you haven't liked.
Stuck up for things that you did not believe in.
We faught with one another like no one ever has.
You never laid a hand on me.
You just took me down with your words.
Like a slap in the face.
I don't know you anymore.
I got it.
I just can't handle being treated like the fool.
While you walk around with your head held high.
Stayed by you through thick and thin.
Through the pain and tears.
Through the great moments we have shared.
I got it.
Maybe I am not good enough for you.
I got it now.

Just Breathe

I feel like I have lost my breath.
I can't seem to catch it again.
There is pain in my chest.
Feels, like my heart is going cold.
The pain that I feel, is from my heart breaking.
You are about to lose me.
Can you feel it?
I can.
You keep pulling away.
I keep trying to hold you close.
But today, I will let you go.
I have been in this battle for 8 years now.
My heart can't take it any longer...
You tell me you love, but I don't feel it any longer.
The love we had is far gone.
I feel like I am the only one holding on.
All I need to do is just breathe through this.
The pain will stop.
My heart will warm again.
But, I can't seem to let you go...
So, until then my heart will go cold.
And I will go numb.
Until you have killed everything inside me.

Questions you just gotta know...

These are the questions that I ask when getting to know someone as a friend or as more then a friend.

Do you feel you are better then anyone else?
Do people hate you?
Do you like yourself?
Do you personally hate anyone?
Have kids?
Do you feel as sex is an important part of a relationship?
How long do you last in bed?
Do you like oral sex?
(The oral sex one goes both ways...giving and receiving)
How often do you like having sex?
Where is the best place, you can think of, to have sex?
Do you honestly feel as though there is more to life then what we live?
Want to go sky diving?
How do you feel about blood?
Do you have a lot of friends?
Do you have a job?
House?
Car?
Life?
Favorite movie?
Favorite Music?
Favorite band?
Favorite holiday?
Favorite time of year?
When is your birthday?
How old are you?



These are it for now.  I will write more but I just wanted to put the basics.  And NOT in order.

How do I tell you?

How do I tell you how I feel?
How do I get the words to come out right?
You would think I was good at expressing myself.
I can write everything out but can't speak the words I want to say.
Seems like I can never say the right things.
Everything comes out wrong.
I want to scream at you.
I want to tell you that I am sick of the bullshit.
Sick of being left behind.
You can relive the past memories of horrible women but you can't relive our past memories?
Why are you so hung up on them?
We have shared some great memories.
You make everything about YOU!
What about ME?
You drive me fucking nuts.
How can I tell you this?

The time has come.

I think the time has come.
My heart is torn.
I don't want to do what I am about to do.
I love you so.
Please never forget that.
But, my heart can't take it anymore.
Tears run down my face.
You can see the pain in my eyes.
I can't take it anymore.
Do you not see the pain you have caused?
Tired of hearing, "When will he be here?"
He never shows.
Weeks gone by.
My daughter cries. 
She has lost a friend to, you know.
You became so close.
Now, you are so far gone.
Not a moment goes by where I forget "our song".
I don't want this time to come.
But, you seem to be pushing for it.
My brain tells me to leave but my heart tells me to stay.
But, why put myself through so much pain?
I have tried to tell you how I feel.
All I get is, "I have other friends, ya know".
That has nothing to do with it.
You tell me you love me but never show it.
Thanks for sticking up for me but you know what, you have no idea how many times I stick up for you.
Is our friendship really done?
Finally over?
I thought there was more.  Thought we had something left.  You said you loved me but are you going to just let me walk away?
I leave it in your hands now.
I am done fighting for what isn't going to happen.
The end is coming to a near.
But, will a new chapter begin?
The time has come for all this to end.
Maybe one day you will see this, and see the pain I am in.

Past...

The past is something that needs to stay behind you.
You don't need to hide it.
You don't need to share it.
It makes you who you are today.
Don't live in the past because then you ruin the future.
Things may come up from times back when but just remember,
they are done now.
You can't change your past.
No one can.
Just don't hold on to it. 
It will only make things worse.
As the saying goes, live for today not for yesterday.

Bike.

Riding hugged up against you.
Holding on tight.
Going at what seemed to be the speed of light.
Moving through traffic.
Gliding past cars.
You made my head clear and my thoughts all gone.
I knew I was safe, no matter how fast we went.
Time flew by as the day went to night.
Cold shivers down my spine, you lean against me to keep me warm.
The lights flash by.  Nothing in sight.

These rides on the harley seem to have disappeared.
No more holding you tight.
No more going at the speed of light.
We lost each other.
Wonder if we will find each other again and come back to those close moments....
On the bike.

Michael

You drive me up a freakin' wall.
You have no idea how much you have hurt us all.
Your lies.
Your games.
The hurt.
The pain.
We have a daughter together.
She is not a trophy, Michael.
She is this beautiful person.
You make me sick.
You make me weak.
A little piece of me dies inside every time you speak
Who believes the lies you tell?
I use to, you know.
Not anymore. 
You don't realize that we have come to the end.
Growing up is something that you need to do.
Not me my darlin'.
You.
So for now, this is goodbye.
You have lost this war and it is time to subside.
Once you have learned, please come find us.
Goodbye Michael.
You won't be missed.

The Games you play

I am so tired of the games you play.
Do you not realize how much pain you cause me?
I won't stand for it much longer.
I am not sure why you are playing these games with me.
Do you just want to hurt me?
Games are no fun my love.
Games cause to much pain.
I am getting tired now.
Going to lose it all.
You would think that now that we are older the games would be done.
But, yet you still play them.
My heart is about to give.
Can't take much more.
PLEASE stop playing these games.
I don't need this anymore.

Love

What is love?
How do you find it?
My life is full of all kinds of love.
Love for my daughter.
Love for my family.
Love for my friends.
Love for myself.
But, there is one love that I am missing.
The love of that "special" person.
That love from someone who wants to be with you forever.
Have I found it?
And just don't know it?
I am not looking for it, that is for sure.
But, truly what is love?
I know a mothers love, a daughters love, a sisters love, a family love, and a friend love.
But, what is true love?

Saying goodbye.

I had to say goodbye to you.
You were not good for me.
You brought me down.
Played me for a fool.
Thought I couldn't see through your lies.
I am done with you.
I am done with everything that has to do with you.
Family or not.
You are out of my life.
You expect everyone to just love you.
But, who could love something so fake?
You live a lie.
You treat people poorly.
Do you realize how many you have hurt?
Not everything is about you.
You couldn't keep your hands off.
So, I had to say goodbye.
I loved you but now I dislike you.
I will never hate you.
You are blood. 
But, you can never take back the things you have done.
Not only to me but the rest of the family.
I wish everyone else would say goodbye.
But, time will tell.
You will lose the ones you love.
Goodbye.

Hiding.

You hide behind your lies.
You hide behind a fake smile.
Someone will see right through you.
I have come to correct you.
I see through the lies.
I see through the fake smile.
Your heart is still bleeding from all the past beatings.
Did you ever think that I would be the one?
The one to take you down?
I haunt you like a bad dream.
You don't want to admit I am the one.
You hide behind all that is gone.
When will  you admit it?
That you can't hide any longer.
That you can't hide from me.
You fear for change.
That the fun will be gone.
When will you let yourself settle down?
You hide behind your music.
You hide behind your job.
When will you come out of hiding?
When will you open your eyes?
I am not here to hurt you.
I am here to take your heart.
You know you already have mine.
Now you are putting me into hiding.
I have to hide behind my words.
I have to hide behind a fake smile.
I have to hide from you.
The time is coming...
Will you keep hiding?
Or will you lose me because of it.

Drama

You say you have no drama?
Life is drama.
You create your own drama.
You destroy your own world.
Drama is around you no matter what.
If you actually sat and listened to someone there would be no drama.
People have a hard time believing that drama is ones own fault.
I know I have drama. 
You want to tell me you don't?
Ha, that would be a lie.
You can't live life without it.
It is everywhere you turn.
Everywhere you look.
Accept it and move on.

Things have changed.

I won't lie and say things are grand.
I won't lie and tell you I am the same.
You have pushed me over the edge.
Things have changed.
People aren't the same.
Our lives have been turned upside down.
You have ruined something so amazing.
Things have changed.
Will you be by my side in the end?
Will you haunt my dreams forever?
I am trying my best to forget the past.
Remembering only the good times.
Remember the waterfall?
Things have changed.
So much pain has passed between us both.
Lovers have come and gone.
You think I don't hurt anymore?
The things you do hurt me more then ever now.
My heart is being shattered.
Little by little.
Things have changed.
Life is coming full speed now.
I am ready for the final change.